Sad but true. It was not a love story. Neither of us fell for each other at first sight. I cannot remember why we tied the knots. Probably there was no one better or we were too scared to explore anymore. In any case, we got married. The first few months, it was intense and then before we realized the flame was getting low, a little too fast, just like a fire cracker. Yes, a fire cracker! that's what it is! The flame is no more, only memories of its once being set ablaze.
Its not that I did not love him. I did, with my whole heart, like I had never loved anyone. My feelings for him were just like any girl would feel for her first love. But then love is not enough.Tasted bitter at the tip of my tongue, but I learned it the hard way!
He was just okay with disappointing me, ignoring my smallest needs. I did not understand why he could not change everything when it was all in his hands? His one little effort to comfort me when I was upset or a simple gesture that he cared or at least remembered the occasion even if he did not do anything or feel like doing, would mean the world to me. And he chose to do nothing. Did he not realize how much it hurt me? or may be he simply did not care. Whatever it is, his silence hurt me more than he knew...his forgetting to show or (I fear) absence of any care on his part, ripped my heart little by little, his ignorance of me as his partner and his obliviousness of my pains robbed my heart of love. Despite all, I was living this marriage with full devotion trying to be his wife, a good one.
We were falling apart, right in front of our eyes. I am unaware if he saw it or not. It was crumbling, falling piece by piece. Tears rolled down, my heart ached...and I was standing there like a statue. I tried to ask him, "what went wrong? Just give me a reason why you won't stop it? I tried to find in his face, the same questions that were eating me inside like a rot. But he stayed oblivious to my traumas, immersed in his normal daily routine. May be it was me or may be it wasn't. But we were falling apart, day after day.
It was not a love marriage but a compromise arranged for two people by their parents. But then I fell in love. Its a lonesome journey, to love and not to be loved. The path itself is difficult and the load of dragging yourself everyday through false hopes and expectations makes it even worse. May be he is the Silent type. May be he loves me though not the way I'd want him to. May be its his phase, it will be over soon. I pulled myself through in-numerous may bes, it has worn me down, exhausted completely.
I am waiting for You
Hoping the footsteps I hear
belong to You
I close my eyes tight
Hoping
I open them to find You
I refrain from waking up
I pretend to sleep
Waiting to be awaken by You
I am holding on
Checking my cellphone
every once in a while
Seems I am the only one
Thinking of you
The one wanting
To be with you
I am so tired
Hoping in vain
Its been a long while
waiting in pain
Oh, how do you not know?
I am so tired waiting for you
Hoping the footsteps I hear
belong to you!
